How Not To Impress A Woman.

 This is a post that really needs to be done.I have decided to do it right now because I just received this, from a friend of a friend, to whom I have never given any inkling that I would like his fingers anywhere near any part of my body.

. .

Now. This fails on every level imaginable. The spelling. Referring to an orgasm as a "massive o". The presumption that a suggestion like this is likely to make me say "oh, well, I was actually going to spend some time with friends, but now you've offered me an orgasm, come on over". I won't show his picture, but I highly doubt he's ever given himself an orgasm, let alone anybody else. 


This isn't the only one....

Suggesting we may be open to prostitution - FAIL.

Just wrong, but at least he's sort of honest. Not from his girlfriends perspective though.

If he'd done his research, he'd be aware that Billie Jean was actually a bit mental. As a friend said, "he wants you to falsely accuse him of fathering your child?".

No words necessary.

This one made me laugh, just for totally the wrong reasons.

I'll stop there, but you get the idea.

So just a few pointers.

• we don't expect you to be interested in fake tan, nail polish etc. In return, we would appreciate it if you could steer clear of trying to discuss your new alloys, or how you've lowered your car an inch. 
• Terms of endearment are something that comes with time. "baby gurl" etc should NOT be used in your introduction.
• Do not suggest that we may be open to immediate sexual encounters with you. If we want it, you'll know about it.
• Do not presume that as she isn't interested in having sex with you for free, she might be interested in making some money off it. There are special places you can go for that sort of thing. Look out for "local, sexy, discrete massage parlours" in  your local newspaper. That's what you're looking for.

Generally, be polite, be interested in their lives, open up a little about yours. We like a little bit of banter, but don't go in too harsh or we won't know where we stand. Don't stare at our tits. The occasional appreciative glance is ace, just remember to look away from there when she's talking to you. Be funny and charming, and don't make assumptions. Above all, BE NORMAL. Just a normal human being who is able to show some respect to the opposite sex. We appreciate that. 

As a side note, I feel it would be helpful to let you know that girls don't think willies are pretty. Unless we like the rest of you, we don't want to see your todger. A month or so ago, a guy I hadn't spoken to in months sent me a random picture of his erect penis. No words, just his penis. This doesn't prove you to be a normal human being. It does nothing to entice us. It gives us something to have a chuckle about with friends over coffee. That is all. If you are our boyfriend, we probably think your willy is absolutely lovely. If you're not, it just looks like a naked mole rat. You should also be aware that sheer size isn't THAT important to us.   If you're blessed in that department, you still need to make an effort in the bedroom. We'd rather a highly skilled lovemaker with a slightly below average willy, than someone with one that looks as if it could emerge from your nostril upon entry, but who has no skills. With this in mind, please note that telling us you have "a massive 9 inch cock" means absolutely NOTHING to us. It ain't what you got, it's what you do with it.

A naked mole rat.