Good Girl

Is it weird to get the horn when a hot boy says "good girl"? Hmm.

Adventures With My Big Bro

As I stated in my Intro, my Bro is not my real Bro. Not biologically. I haven't even known him that long really, compared to other people, but I love him to bits. We had each other on Facebook, and had mutual friends etc, but we only really got closer when I visited him in hospital with Red Bull, fags and chocolate. Since then, I've barely stopped laughing.


We were in town a few weeks ago. Walking up to the park, and bold as brass, he calls out to some builders "She's got a great pair, ain't she lads!'; he'd caught them having a look. I catch people having a gander all the time (honestly, anyone would think people had never seen boobs before), but I never say anything. Of course, when he shouts that, others start turning round to have a butchers as well. We then passed a busker. "Bloody hell, he nearly dropped his flute then!" - calling another pervert out on his obvious staring. During all this, I noticed I was walking behind a very attractive chap in a suit - I'm a sucker for a suit. Of course he turned round for a gander, and chuckled. I then tried to avoid walking into a pushchair and almost walked into him instead. "She's trying to hold your hand mate!!". Now, with most people, I'd be a bit pissed off at them encouraging Bazoonga Attention and general embarrassment, but he gets away with it. I don't know how.  The next day, we had a wander into HMV just to have a look around. We went to have a play on the tablets and on the one right in front of us, in the search bar was my full name. Freaked out much?! 


He also comes out with some excellent phrases. In fact, it was my lovely Bro who came up with the nickname which is now my name on Facebook, and the name by which I'm known to all my friends in London. There are too many of them for me to list, but amongst my favourites are:

• "cock socket", meaning fanny.
• "baggy badger", meaning a loose fanny.
• "I never shoplift. I'm just an opportunist"
• "Man who walk through turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
• "Man who fishes in another mans pond going to catch crabs"
• They should call the roofs on convertible cars 'foreskins', because when you pull it back it reveals the bell end underneath.

Anyway. He's awesome. That is all. 

Couples Who Poo Together...

A few days ago, I discovered that my friend, The American One, will happily go for a poo whilst her husband is in the bath, and vice versa. I couldn't believe it. I posted something about this on Facebook, and it seems I'm not alone in finding this very, very odd.


I'm all for being comfortable with one another - being able to sit in joggers with your hair up etc. That's nice. Pooing in front of each other though, is some whole other level stuff. I can honestly say I have no desire to see any boys poo face, or hear the plop/thud, or any of that sort of thing. Likewise, I would not want a boy to see mine (if I did them. I'm a lady; when I go to the bathroom, there are flowers and glitter and roses and fairies). 


One of the things that keeps a relationship good, is romance. If you shit in front of one another, the romance is dead. How can you possible fancy a shag when you've seen your other half on the lav? Would you not see The Poo Face every time you looked at them? Some things are best kept private, and this is one of them. The American One thinks it's a lovely sign of how comfortable they are with one another...I think they are just TOO comfortable.




Dita Von Teese and Marilyn Manson apparently had their own individual bathrooms. That is ideal. of course, we cannot all have that, so I'd recommend just keeping your toileting activity to yourself. Nobody else needs to see it.


For some couples, though, who are into poo sharing, may I suggest a twobicle?

Tampon Adverts.

These have troubled me for quite some time, for a couple of reasons.

Firstly... to the companies that disguise tampons in sort of sweetie wrappers. That's great. But surely the reason you do it, is so that boys don't know what they are if they peek in your bag? This doesn't work if you then plaster the fact that your tampons are in disguise all over the telly. With images.

Secondly...as a girl, if you drop your handbag and a hundred tampons fall out, a handsome boy never, EVER helps pick them up and falls in love with you over your feminine hygiene products.  What actually happens, is that he sees what you've dropped, realises that you're probably "on" (because he's seen the adverts, so the clever disguise hasn't worked), and freaks the fuck out because he expects a full-on PMT fuelled tantrum. Probably.

Playground romance

Something that really irritates me. Day 1: Boy meets Girl
Day 2: Boy asks girl out. Boy "loves" girl. Girl "loves" boy.
Day 3: Boy and Girl split up.
...repeat, with different partners, over and over.

It's alright at school...still slightly retarded but we let you off.

When you're in your twenties/thirties etc? Fuck off, you absolute morons. That's not love. That's desire to get into one anothers undergarments. There's a difference.

Perverted Squirrel

Keep finding stashes of condoms dotted around my flat in the most peculiar places. I didn't put them there. Ex obviously stashed them, like a little perverted squirrel.